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COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 

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J. W. DeVORE. 


V 



SOMEWHAT OF 
A LIAR MYSELF 


BY 

J. w/DeVORE 

WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY 


JOSEPH TYLER BUTTS 



F. TENNYSON NEELY CO. 

114 Fifth Avenue 96 Queen Street 

NEW YORK LONDON 




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_ 

THE LISrtARY OF 

GO'^Gf^ESS, 

Two Cut><fe8 RtcEivEe 

IAN. 6 1902 

Copyright entry 

Vw. 

Oi.AS^ ^ XXa No. 

% ^ 0 ! 

COPY B. , 


Copyright, 1901, 
by 

J. W. DeVORE 
in the 

United States 
and 

Great Britain. 
Entered at Stationer’s Hall, 
London. 

All Rights Reserved. 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 


INTRODUCTION. 


Flights of imagination, when raised to the 
vividness of reality, achieve triumphs as great and 
well merited as those in love or war. 

Seldom does any author, however, confess even 
to himself that his work is fictitious and vision- 
ary by crowning it with a title which would never 
suggest itself to the reader’s mind had not the 
modesty and truthfulness of the writer provoked 
it. 

We meet constantly all kinds of people which 
the world proverbially is supposed to contain, yet 
few could become as well known to us in the 
short space of time necessary to read this remark- 
able tale, nor could mortals, unless supernaturally 
endowed, be as interesting as these characters. 

The marvellous descriptive genius of Shakes- 


vi 


Introduction. 


peare, Dickens and Thackeray have contributed 
to humanity masterpieces of literature by the 
unique and original persons who stand out so 
boldly from their pages. Their individuality is 
BO pronounced that their very names are figurative, 
yet few could be more quickly recognized and more 
instantly admired than the matchless heroine of 
this unusual story, Lindy Beeswax, whose ulti- 
mate destiny constitutes the intensely amusing 
dramatic and astonishing climax of this remarka- 
ble tale. Those hitherto blind to the charms and 
graces possessed by such as she will constantly 
be reminded of this book as they recognize in her 
many attractions before unexplained. 

Becky Sharp nor Dolly Varden could not be 
more real than she, nor more unlike our delight- 
ful heroine. 

The exciting instances of supposition and ex- 
perience related by the redoubtable Mr. Ban Sy- 
denstricker, which even the sanguine mind of the 
author is unable to affirm or deny, incites most 


Introduction. 


vii 


inexplicable probabilities in the minds of its read- 
ers and will add many laurels to the wreath of 
fame which must be awarded to a genius who could 
so skillfully amuse a reading public by placing 
within their reach a work which will hold a unique 
place in the history of literature, and must easily 
be accredited a high seat of honor in the halls of 
fame, where dwell the memories of the vast con- 
course of imaginative interesting books. 

Joseph Tyler Butts, 


SOMEWHAT OF A LIAR MYSELF. 


While in Kansas City not many years ago, I 
met a man named Ean Sydenstricker. He was 
about five feet two inches and weighed about 
seventy-two pounds. His arms were out of all 
proportion to his size, for when standing erect 
and holding them by his side, they reached to 
his knees. He wore a number nine collar and a 
number eight hat. This gave the impression 
that his neck was almost too slender to support 
such a head. Ean had very large deep-blue eyes, 
and his heavy brow furnished a sort of shelter for 
those keen, piercing, sunken orbs. While in the 
presence of this man he related a sort of yarn 
to two other people, at the end of which there 
were varied comments, though I was not inter- 
ested myself with what was going on until I 
heard one of the others remark: 

^This is a hell of a tale.’^ 


2 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

am somewhat of a liar myself, ainH I Ean 
said in reply. 

I met this man again the next day, and the 
thought suggested itself to my mind that it would 
be well to preserve what Ean knew, had seen, and 
could tell, whether true, or untrue. If true, it 
would enlighten those who might read it, and if 
untrue, it would show to its readers what a vivid 
imagination was bottled up in this man’s large 
head, and how easily it would flow out whenever 
he saw fit to draw the cork. But before Ean be- 
gan, I had many talks with him, and he told me, 
whether truthfully or not I don’t know, he had 
been to almost every nook and corner of the world; 
although but thirty-seven years of age at that 
time. 

He asked me how much time I would have in 
the city, and I replied very unconcernedly : 

^^All the time I want, if there is anything in 
staying here.” 

^^Well,” said Ean, want to tell you my expe- 
rience on, around, and about the Amazon Eiver,” 
and the cork was drawn. He said: 

^^The Amazon Eiver, you know, is in — well, you 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 3 

know where it is^if I do not, but I have been there, 
and I say to you that the forest is so dense, and 
the growth so huge that the ingenuity and wisdom 
of man nor woman has been able to overcome 
and remove, for their own utilization, this pro- 
duction of nature. To convince you of what fer- 
tile lands lie on each side of this river, it will 
only be necessary to say to you that I have seen 
with my own eyes and smelt with my own nose 
the actual ammonia which rises out of the ground. 
In fact, I used to make it a business to bottle this 
evaporized gas, or whatever you call it, and con- 
tinued in this business until I made all the money 
I wanted.^^ 

I asked Ean where he found enough bottles to 
carry on his business. 

^^This is my tale, now let me tell it,’’ he an- 
swered. ^^You see, it was necessary that this gas 
or ammonia should be there in that land, in order 
to support the growth of this forest, and I tell 
you that I have seen trees there so large in circum- 
ference that it would take me eleven days, seven 
hours and three and one-half minutes by the 
watch to walk around one of them. It was im- 


4 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

possible to tell the exact height of one of these 
trees, because my eyes were not of sufficient 
strength to see the top of one of the tallest of these 
tall trees, though I could see as far as any man, 
woman or child. 

^^By the way, talking about seeing, I was stand- 
ing nine hundred measured yards from one of the 
Egyptian Pyramids and saw a small gnat light 
on the topmost point of it, and heard its little feet 
touch it. My eyes were as good when I was trying 
to see the top of this tree, as they were when I 
saw and heard this gnat light. I make this state- 
ment simply and truthfully to show how awfully, 
awfully high these trees grow. 

^^You asked me where I found bottles enough to 
carry on my business. 

^^Well, I do not want to be curt to you, but un- 
derstand I am not afraid to be if I wished, but 
have you not sense enough to know and to remem- 
ber that one time in the history of the world bot- 
tles became scarce? 

^^Well, that was the time I was in my business, 
and I made a contract with every bottle factory in 
the world to furnish and supply me with bottles; 


5 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

in fact, I engaged every bottle that they and each 
of them made. It was not expensive having 
them delivered, either, after I had the first one 
in my hand. You see I had these bottles laid in a 
straight line, one right behind the other, begin- 
ning at each factory and extending each line until 
it reached me on the Amazon. I kept a man at each 
factory, and as I would take a bottle at my end, the 
man at the factory end would put in another and 
push the whole line just the length of a bottle, 
and that would move it right up to me again. The 
process of bottling this gas or ammonia was done 
by a little hand bellows. I made my employees, 
and I had thousands, go into this forest, each 
with one of these bellows, with as many bottles as 
could be conveniently managed. Just before go- 
ing in I would have them to squeeze the bellows 
tightly together, thereby expelling the air, after 
getting in they would open the bellows, thereby 
inhaling, as it were, this gas. Then the mouth of 
the bellows would be put to the mouth of the bot- 
tle, and the bellows again squeezed; that would 
force the gas into the bottle, and then they sealed 
it. 


6 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

^^You remember I told you in the very beginning 
that it was necessary to the support of these large 
trees that this gas should be there. I continued 
my work until I exhausted the supply of gas en- 
tirely; in fact^ I made my fortune^ and all this 
growth decayed. The lands were put into cultiva- 
tion and now produce everything useful to the 
people. 

^^^Everyone said I was a fool when I started this 
job, and I thought so, too; but I was not, was 

Ean winked one eye and cleared his throat as if 
to continue his tale, but instead he asked me if I 
would be in the city the next day, ^^Because, if you 
are, I want to tell you some other things I saw 
and did in my ups and downs, while travelling and 
doing business along the Amazon,^^ he added. 

As Ean and I had grown to be a little ^^chummy,’’ 
and I gradually becoming more interested in this 
man and his marvellous relations, I concluded to 
give him a full opportunity of drawing the cork 
again. 

So on the next day we met, and he began by say- 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 


7 


^‘1 want to tell you about the snakes I saw and 
came in contact with/^ 

This beginning did not suit me, as snake tales 
are so common, and Ean, by some means unknown 
to me, discovered this, I suppose by some uncon- 
scious expression or movement of mine, and in an 
instant he said: 

know you think ever 5 rthing has been told 
about snakes that can be told, but, my friend,” 
said he, ^^you have heard nothing compared to 
what I have seen. The snakes that inhabit, or did 
inhabit, the low lands of the Amazon were there 
in countless numbers ; they were of all sizes, from 
eighteen inches in diameter down to the thickness 
of a broom-straw. They are of all lengths from 
twenty-seven feet to three inches. They are of 
many and, perhaps, of all kinds. 

remember on one occasion, when I had 
walked until I was almost exhausted, and seeing 
as I thought, a felled tree, I sat down upon it. 
The large end was concealed, and also the small 
end. 

^^While sitting here on what I conceived to be 
a log, though I did not notice it very carefully 


8 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 


or I might have detected my mistake, I felt it 
slowly but surely rising in the middle; its move- 
ment was as gentle and as easy as a falling snow- 
flake, still I knew I was being raised gradually. 
I looked towards each end of the supposed log, and 
Anally saw the snake’s head, which was hard 
pressed against the ground, as also was his tail. 
This gave it the power to raise itself in the middle, 
and I suppose I had been raised about two feet, 
or rather the snake, with me on it. All at once 
there was a violent effort and movement. I went 
ten or flfteen feet up in the air. The snake threw 
its head to near the middle of its body, where I 
had taken my seat. Its mouth, which was more 
than large enough to swallow me, was open in or- 
der, I suppose, that I might fall in as I came down, 
which I did, all except my left hand. Luckily with 
that hand I caught the limb of a tree and held firm- 
ly on until I could get my knife, and with my 
hand and teeth succeeded in opening it. I used 
it on the under and outer side of the monster’s 
throat, and in a short time he breathed his last. 
I pulled myself, or so much thereof as it had 
swallowed, out of this terrible mouth. 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 


9 


^^After rescuing myself from this danger, I be- 
gan to examine this wonderful snake, but to my 
consternation and surprise, in a few minutes, or 
seconds, there came crawling along another, and 
when it saw the dead, one, it seemed to be weeping 
or expressing joy at its death, for the newcomer 
would catch the end of its tail in its mouth and 
put itself in the shape of a hoop and roll over and 
over again, backward and forward, and then lie 
flat upon the ground, apparently turning wrong 
side out. This and many other antics it would 
perform. About an hour afterwards it went off 
and stayed some time. To my horror, I saw it 
coming again, accompanied by snakes of all sizes 
and colors. I suppose there was not less than — 
well, I don’t know how many. The ground was 
literally covered with them, and they seemed to 
come in sort of military order. 

^^When they reached the dead snake, about five 
hundred or more coiled themselves, in some way, 
around the deceased equal distances apart, begin- 
ning at its head and ending at its tail. Thus ar- 
ranged, they began to roll over and carry the de- 
ceased off. 


10 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

^^When they had gone about half a mile they 
reached a gnlly, and the deceased was placed in it. 
Then for about an houi;, with all the snakes in the 
world (it seemed to me) present, and on all sides 
of this gully viewing the deceased as it lay in the 
grave, as it were, I heard the most melancholy 
groanings, or rather I took it to be groanings, and 
hissing sounds that ever were heard in this world. 

^Tn fact, it seemed to be a well regulated and 
arranged funeral and burial. Some of these 
snakes would moan and groan and hiss with more 
sorrow and distress than others; these I took to 
be the relatives of the deceased, so to speak. There 
seemed to be others whose duty it was to cover up 
the body. This was done by using their heads 
somewhat as a hog does its nose. While this per- 
formance was going on, all the others that were 
not thus engaged stood erect upon the tip ends of 
their tails, with their heads somewhat bowed.’^ 

I grew tired of this long snake tale, especially 
as I did not believe it, and asked Ran if he ex- 
pected any one to believe it. 

^Tt is true,^^ he said, ^Tbecause I saw it with my 
own eyes and heard it with my own ears, but 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 11 


I know you do not believe it, and the only reason 
that you do not is because I inadvertently told 
you that I was somewhat of a liar myself/^ 

After this unheard-of, unbelievable and un- 
thought-of tale, Ean absented himself for several 
days, but when I saw him again, the very first thing 
that he said to me was — 

^^Friend, how is the dead snake 
I asked him if he had anything better than, the 
snake tale that he could tell. 

^^Yes, I think so,^^ Ean said, ^TDut those who 
hear it or read it will have to judge for themselves.^^ 
Whereupon he began : 

^^Before I left this great river — 

^^Great Scott! Ean, have you not finished re- 
lating things you saw and heard on that river yet? 
Go somewhere else.^^ 

he said; can interest you, or rather 
most people, yet for a long time about that river, 
and what I saw and heard.^^ 

^^Ean,’^ said I, ^Tiow in the world do you manage 
to keep all this stuff in your head?” 

^^As I would take in one of these scenes my head 
would expand, and then I would take in another 


12 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

and it would get a little larger, and my head 
would continue to- expand and grow at the ex- 
pense of the other parts of my person, except my 
feet. You see, I have a large head now, and if 
I had not left that river and shut myself off from 
what happened there, I do not believe I could have 
carried myself, owing to the enormous size to 
which it would have reached. And my feet also. 
For I wear now a number eleven shoe, while my 
ankle is only two and one-half inches around. I 
cannot account for it, except that my feet had to be 
large to give me a good understanding, and my 
head to enable me to take in and retain what I 
heard and saw and did.^^ 

After this litle interruption and explanation, 
Ean said : 

^^The most, or one of the most wonderful things 
that came under my observation was the feat per- 
formed by a tree which had died for lack of am- 
monia enough to sustain life. This tree had blown 
down, or at any rate it was down, and when it 
fell the one and only branch that it had struck 
the ground almost at right angles, and stuck in 
the ground about ten feet, I judge. This limb 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 13 


and this tree were hollow. There was a little hole 
in the limb near where it came in contact with 
the ground, and I saw now and then, at regular 
intervals, these little insects known as honey bees 
going in and out. I at once concluded there was 
the very honey itself in there, and I had always 
heard that bees would fill whatever they began to 
make honey in. This tree being over thirty-seven 
hundred feet long, and the butt end about seven- 
teen feet in diameter, and being the crookedest, 
well, in fact I never saw anything in all my life, 
not even the crookedest politician in America, that 
was so crooked as this tree. I knew that if I had 
been correctly informed about these busy little 
bees, there certainly must be honey in that hollow 
limb, and perhaps in the tree also. 

devised a plan to get into the hollow of that 
limb first, and began with a small saw that I 
usually carried with me for various uses. 

sawed away for some time, and reached not 
only into the hollow, but cut the limb completely 
off. I soon saw that I had played the very devil 
with my honey. The tree was so crooked that the 
very moment when the limb was cut off which held 


14 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

it still, the tree began to roll over and over and 
over ; in fact, it was so crooked that it could not 
lie still, and at each turn it would go faster and 
faster, and the bees could be heaid buzzing as if 
they were fighting mad, and I have no doubt they 
were. 

^^^Well, this tree travelled, after it got under way, 
as fast as any locomotive, crushing everything in 
its path. It crossed rivers and climbed mountains, 
rolled over, ruined, demolished cities and towns. 
It terrified people.’^ 

^^Stop, Ean,*^ I said, ^^and let me understand you. 
This is one tale that you can prove to be true, is 
it not?^^ 

^^Why?^^ he asked. 

^^Because,^^ said I, ^^other people saw it as well 
as you, or they could not have been terrified, could 
theyr 

^^Look here, friend,’^ said Ean ; am doing the 
talking in this matter and about this tree, and 
you say you are doing the writing. I don’t know 
that you are, though, but if you are telling the 
truth, just write on and let me talk on, and do 
not try to hem me up, because, if you do> that 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 15 

will break it up, whether true or untrue, whether 
it is imagination or the reality which I tell you it 
really is/^ 

This interruption over, Ean continued: ^^And 
wherever that tree went, there were so many bees 
in it (in fact there must have been all the bees in 
the world at that time), and their buzzing was so 
loud and voluminous, that people, — now don’t in- 
terrupt me again, — could tell and know that this 
terrible crooked tree was coming. The music real- 
ly acted as a warning to the people — keep quiet, 
now — and it looked as if it was a provision of 
Providence that these bees should be with and 
follow the tree, because, you see, the people could 
sometimes get out of its way or path. 

^^Well, this tree roamed all up and down and 
across the Amazon. It would go fast and then 
slow, and sometimes, and in some way, it would let 
out honey enough to feast and supply the people 
for months, and it seemed to be possessed with rea- 
son, for whenever it would let out the honey if 
would always be in a sort of bottom or basin, so 
that it could not flow or trickle away. But you 
may be sure, whenever it did unload its speed would 


16 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 


increase, so that frequently it would put the air 
in such a commotion that hurricanes would start 
up and tear things to pieces in front of it, and 
clear a good path for this tree to travel in. This 
looks as if Providence had a hand in it, too, for it 
could travel much faster and easier after the wind 
or hurricane or tornado ; you know what is the best 
name for it — I do not; you are writing and I am 
talking, so you may call it what you please, but it 
was the wind, all the same, that cleared the road 
for it. 

^^After so long a time this tree took a notion — I 
say notion, it might have been a momentum — ^to 
leave these parts where it was born and raised and 
died, so it started out and the people,^^ here Kan 
said in a whisper ^^heard from it once in awhile. 
Sometimes, though, they would not hear in forty 
years.” 

At this point I sprang to my feet. ^^Ran ! Kan !” 
I said, ^^stop a moment. Were you there when the 
tree took a notion to leave the place where it was 
born, raised, and died?” 

^^Yes,” he said. 

I then asked if he was there when the people 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 17 

heard from it forty years after it left. He an- 
swered affirmatively. 

^^How/’ said I, ^^can that be, when you told me 
you were only thirty-seven years old?^^ 

^^Confound it, man! are you trying to keep in 
your head as well as write on paper all that I am 
telling you ? If you are, and I believe it, you had 
better keep an eye on your feet, for they will grow 
so that you will have a good understanding like 
me, and you had better look after your head, too; 
that will begin to expand till it gets as large, or, I 
expect, larger than mine, because, you know, the 
quality of my brain is better and finer than yours.” 

^^Don’t you Know, sometimes you see a large- 
headed man with no more sense than a small- 
headed man? The reason of this is because the 
brain in the small head is of a better quality than 
that in the large head. If this were not true, or 
rather if the brain in both heads were of the same 
quality, it would necessarily follow that the big- 
headed man would have more sense, because the 
head is filled with brains, but, you remember, 
it is not the quantity but the quality that makes 
the sense.” 


18 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

in answer to your question about this 
age business. Did not you say at the beginning 
of your writing that it would be well to preserve 
what this man knew, had seen, and could tell, 
whether true or untrue? 

I can enlighten the people, and at the same 
time show a vivid imagination, why not do it? 
And, right here, friend, I see what you are up to. 
It is your determined intention, and anxious, raven- 
ous desire to break off in the thread of my tale, 
and as that tree has gone off for a while at least, 
let me take time enough to tell you something like 
this. I am not going to be interrupted, objected 
to and cross-examined as if I were a witness in 
the court room, under the control of some judge, 
about my little ifs and ands, and other little techni- 
calities, and slips of the tongue, and failures of 
memory. 

^^What difference does it make whether I was 
thirty-seven or forty years old, just so I saw what 
I am telling you ? Does my age add to or take from 
the truthfulness of what I am saying? You are 
like some of those people who read the Bible. Do 
you not know many of the smart Alecks read that 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 19 


book for nothing else but to try to pick flaws in 
it ? It is so ; and when they get through — I do not 
mean through the Bible, because there is not one 
in a thousand of these flaw-seekers who ever have 
or ever will read it through, although they will 
some little trashy, love-sickening novel, but I 
mean when they get through reading up on the 
little flaw which they seek to impress upon the 
first crowd they may chance to be with, where 
they are conscious of and know the fact that no 
one in it, or present, is as fresh from that particu- 
lar part of this good book as they, and are not, 
therefore, sufficiently informed either to admit 
or deny their statements, assertions, or arguments, 
or whatever you may call them, yet the very one 
who is doing the arguing has not sense enough to 
know he is sure and certainly wide of his mark, 
in trying to change the well fixed, defined and un- 
changeable, deep-rooted impress and high regard 
which that book, and what it contains, flaw or no 
flaw, has in the hearts and upon the minds of the 
people of this world, and ever will have, smart 
Alecks to the contrary notwithstanding. 

^^Mind you, though, I do not say you are one 


20 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 


of these Alecks, but if you do not change your 
tactics other people might think you are/^ 

After having gotten out of his statement about 
his age as best he could, Ean said: 

^^Well, I believe the last thing I said about the 
tree was that sometimes the people would not 
hear from it in forty years. Yes, this is where 
you tried to trump me and cut me off, but I will 
now continue. 

^^Once the report reached the place of nativity 
of that tree, and it ran something like this: 

^A mighty something was travelling over the 
Rocky Mountains, and carried along with it a 
musical instrument, which seemed to have mil- 
lions of different notes and sounds, and it crushed 
everything that it came in contact with. Honey 
was left in its path in such quantities that the peo- 
ple lived upon it and subsisted upon it for years 
afterwards, yet it could not stop or be still. It 
was the crookedest thing that ever was seen or 
known before, and people gathered together in 
large numbers, trying to capture and hold it, but 
its speed was so rapid and swift they could not 
get near it by approaching it in front, on ac- 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 21 


count of the hurricane which it produced, nor 
could they approach it in the rear, because of an 
almost complete vacuum caused by its rapidity, 
yet the report said a large body of men, led by one 
who was supposed to be the bravest, rushed after 
it until they came in the limits of the vacuum, 
and in an instant they were sucked in with such 
force and violence that all perished by being 
driven or sucked against the body of the tree/ 

^^The next report was that this crooked tree was 
still rolling, and had reached the Mississippi Eiver 
or valley, and it was thought to be making its 
way back home. But after a long time travelling 
in and around this great valley, it rolled into the 
river and was captured by the people and taken 
out. All the bees were drown, all the honey ran 
out, and in this way it was a great deal lighter. 

^^An opening was made in the large end of the 
tree and it was used as a means of transportation. 
It was loaded with all kinds of merchandise, pro- 
duce, provision, and everything usually carried 
on cars or vessels, the only difference being it 
had to be packed full and tight, because it trav- 
elled by rolling over and over, and that had to be 


22 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

done to keep the freight from moving about The 
people used it in this way for years. At last it 
became uncontrollable and rolled away from its 
owners and utilizers, while filled with all sorts 
of freight, and was making its way back home. 
The people having heard of the way in which it 
was captured before, having heard of its coming, 
began to prepare for its reception. 

^^At last when she came, the people captured 
her, and all that she had in her in the way of 
freight, and divided it amongst the captors. 

^Tn making the capture, however, she was broken 
into four separate and distinct parts, which 
no one was ever able to account for, because 
where she was captured the land was as smooth 
and as level as it could be, and in a right thickly 
inhabited country. She lay there for two years, 
and seemed to have lost her motive power. 

^^The people concluded to build a city on this 
level spot, which conclusion they executed, and at 
this present time one part of her is used as a hotel, 
with eight hundred rooms, all furnished in grand 
style. Another part of her is used as the public 
library. Still another part is used as the city 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 23 


market house, and the other is used by everybody 
for everything/^ 

^^Ean, where is this city?” I asked. 

^^Look here, friend,” said Kan; made up my 
mind before I began with you not to give any 
definite names or places, but simply localities and 
generalities. I do this because it will save a great 
deal of interruption and outside talk, and, in my 
judgment, it will save me the trouble and annoy- 
ance of answering thousands of questions and mak- 
ing numberless explanations that I would be called 
on to answer and explain, were I to give anything 
definite as to names or places. But you, by your in- 
sinuative manner and tone of voice, seem to have 
conceived the idea that it would lead you into a 
channel by and through which you might be able to 
secure evidence showing what I have said is not 
true. If I am right in this, let me say to you right 
now, those who know me better than you, know how 
utterly useless it would ever be to cast an insin- 
uation against my veracity with the intention of 
discrediting the very important history of this 
crooked tree, which but for my good memory 
would have been lost, like the dead languages. 


24 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

In conclusion of this history, I will say, whether 
true or untrue, it will answer the purpose set forth 
in the beginning hereof. So I shall part with you 
at least for a day, or perhaps more. Good-bye till 
I see you again.^^ 

Ean was not as good as his word, or rather, he 
disappointed me, as he was away for more than 
a 'week. During this absence many, many 
thoughts invaded my mind, and as each was re- 
volved and deliberately considered, another would 
take its place and have its turn around the wheel 
of mental revolution. 

During the interval between his departure and 
return, I secured a quiet private room in a tol- 
erably well arranged and comfortable house, in 
a not very fashionable part of the city where I 
was located, or more appropriately, where I was 
first accidentally placed in the presence of this 
most interestingly experienced man. 

I was occupying this room alone one very 
dreary, rainy, cold day with nothing to interrupt 
the stillness and silence other than the regular 
ticking of what seemed to be an old and time 
honored clock, which was so tall and deep that one 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 25 


could almost walk in when the door was open. 
While this keeper of time was knocking it out at 
the rate of sixty seconds to the minute, sixty min- 
utes to the hour, and twenty-four hours to the 
day, I suddenly recognized Ean’s voice on the 
street below, and under one of the small windows 
of my room, as he said to some one — I could not 
see who: 

expect I have played the devil. You know I 
promised a fellow, without giving his name, that 
I would be absent only a short time, and here it 
is over a week since I left, and I am afraid I will 
not have the exquisite pleasure of meeting him 
again.^^ 

I ran to the little old dilapidated window, which 
looked as if it had not been raised in years, which 
appearance was indicated, by spider webs over the 
corners of each pane of glass. However after 
puffing and blowing and pushing and pulling and 
prizing, and perspiring, I did manage to raise the 
bottom sash just high enough to put my head 
through sidewise, and by looking out of the corners 
of my eyes saw and called to Ean and invited him 
up. As he came up, I went down the little nar- 


26 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 


row, dark, steep stair, and met him about midway. 
We turned and soon were both seated in my little 
room. As Ean was taking his seat in an old and 
rickety but comfortable rocking chair, he said: 

^^Well, I reckon you think I am somewhat of a 
liar, do you not?^^ 

I asked. 

^^Well, I know I have stayed over my time, al- 
though I did not fix the time definitely as to when 
I would be back. But,^^ said he, have never in 
all my life undergone such an experience as since 
I left. Before giving you any more of my Amazon 
experiences I must tell you about this, and I want 
to say to you now, and impress upon your mind 
that this is true, every word of it. 

^^You need not ask me any names of persons or 
places, because I will not give them. I do not be- 
lieve in mixing up other people’s with my own ex- 
perience, and this is one of my shining character- 
istics, which distinguishes me from meddlers and 
trouble makers. 

^^You know, if you do not I do, that I hereto- 
fore have been one of those many or rather few 
persons, men, especially, who after calm considera- 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 27 


tion and a kind of nervous deliberation, arrived 
at thie conclusion that this thing people call dove’ 
was and is a myth. In fact I have always looked 
upon it as something that could not be touched, 
handled nor defined. Being in this state of mind 
I was very much troubled, and have been making 
every effort to change my opinion about it, and to 
my delight and freedom, I have succeeded. 

^^Let me tell you what I conceive to be the true 
and correct and only definition. Love is the 
cord which binds or joins the heart and brain to- 
gether. Now this is both a scientific and logical 
definition. Scientific, you see, because experts on 
the make-up and constitution and construction of 
a human being say, deeply planted in the heart, 
the seat of sentiment, is a little seed for^each and 
every sentiment which man or woman is endowed 
with, or capable of, and it only needs to be ger- 
minated. This when once done will cause it to 
grow and flourish in accordance with, and in pro- 
portion to the cultivation you give it, or that it 
gets from some one else. 

^^As I desire to be plain and accurate about this 
matter and explanation, I will state it in anothir 


28 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

way. There are in the heart, smouldering sparks, 
one for each and every sentiment which a human 
being possesses or is liable to possess, which grows 
into a blaze either big or small or medium in ac- 
cordance with the amount of fanning you give it 
or that it gets from some one else. You see this 
fanning business furnishes the oxygen, and if it 
gets enough according to the laws of science it is 
obliged to blaze. I believe I should have said ac- 
cording to the laws of nature, discovered in a 
scientific way, because nature is older than science 
and that has been the law since nature existed. 
But long after nature, and long after that was the 
law, science discovered it. 

^^Look here, friend; you sit there as silent as 
death, with your mouth half open and looking 
away into vacancy. What is the matter? Am I 
getting too deep for you 

I replied in two words only, ^^Go ahead.” 

want you to remember one point in each of 
the above explanations, you hear ?” 

^^What is the point?” 

^Tt is this. In the first explanation I told you 
that after the seed is germinated it grows in pro- 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 22i 

portion to and in accordance with the cultivation 
you give it. In the second explanation I said that 
the spark would — ^no, in order that there may be 
no mistake I had better give it just as I said it, 
because this is a very particular thing that I am 
trying to bring to a fine point. I said there are 
smouldering sparks in the heart, one for each and 
every sentiment which a human being possesses or 
is liable to possess, which grows into a blaze either 
great or small or medium in accordance with the 
amount of fanning you give it. Now, here is the 
point, or that it gets from some one else. 

^^Let us talk some about the other end of that 
cord. You remember my definition about the 
cord which joins the heart and brain together. I 
have explained the heart part of it and now I will 
go to the brain, which experts tell us is the seat 
of knowledge, the seat of sense, in fact it is the 
high seat of human beings, and I reckon all ani- 
mals. Now that member of the human body, if it 
can be so called, or rather that component part of 
the human being known as the brain, and encased 
in the head, is where all the good, all the charity, 
all the virtue, all the vice, all the bad is conceived. 


30 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 


developed and perfected. And it is the place 
where it is not conceived^ developed and perfected. 
This last sounds rather peculiar, does it not? I 
know it does, I will therefore elucidate. 

^^You know a human being can use his or her 
brain so as not to conceive anything, so as not to 
develop anything and so as not to perfect any- 
thing. Now, when these seeds begin to germinate 
in the heart, when these smouldering sparks begin 
to grow into a blaze, this cord like a telegraph wire, 
conducts the news to the brain, and the love busi- 
ness begins. 

^^Having given you my view, I will now tell you 
my experience and what happened to me while 
over in the other city. Eemember, I told you I 
would not call names. 

was thrown in the presence of a girl.^^ 

^^Great Scott, Ean! You do not tell me you 
have become love sick over some member of the 
fair sex ? If you have I know it is the sickest 
love sick that any man could be sick. I have met, 
before, those fellows who claimed to be boom proof 
against Cupid^s darts, and when they are pierced 
they are disgustingly silly, and draw on their im- 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 31 

aginations to such an extent as to get inveigled, 
and possessed with the idea, that everybody else 
is as much interested in their love affair as they 
themselves are. 

^^However, you seem to have some idea of science 
and logic judging by what you have been telling 
me for the last hour, in a kind of big YOU and 
little ME way.'’^ 

^Tlease let me go on and tell you what I started 
to,^^ said Ean, ^^nor do I want you to think me 
silly for asking this.^^ 

^^Go on, then, I know that seed or that spark 
which you said was in every heart has germinated 
and grown into a blaze in yours and the news has 
been carried to your brain by the cord, and unless 
I allow you to proceed, your brain will burst your 
head, and as there is no other outlet than your 
tongue, you may let it rattle off provided you do 
not become too silly to be borne with.” 

^^Now then, as I said before, I was thrown in 
the presence of a girl, whose beauty was of that 
overpowering kind, and whose accomplishments 
and attractions and fascinations, were so great, so 
irresistible, so everything that tended to make 


32 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

perfect one of that sex^ whom I always thought 
were born imperfect, and never could recover from 
the malady, so to speak. 

must admit that she was perfect. The first 
time that I laid eyes on her, was in a drug store 
apparently doing some shopping. I will swear, 
friend, when I heard her ask the clerk who was 
serving her, ^What is the price of that lovely vase 
up there pointing to it with the most perfectly 
shaped white hand that was ever fastened to the 
wrist of any one, her sweet, euphonious, gentle 
voice thrilled me with such emotions, that for a 
moment I felt as if I had been electrified, or better 
than that, as if I had been inspired to say some- 
thing in admiration of her. I did manage, how- 
ever, to control my desire to utter, which put me 
in the fix of those people you have heard of being 
transfixed. I was certainly transfixed if that 
means immovable, every part and parcel of me 
except my eyes, which followed her every move- 
ment. 

^^This girl had black hair, dark eyes, a perfect 
Grecian nose; thin lips painted by the hand of 
nature, that color which other girls try to pro- 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 33 

duce by the brush of art, a coral red; the most 
perfectly beautiful mouth, set with teeth which/ 
alone acted on me like the magnet does on the 
needle, drawing me closer and closer to her; I 
mean closer in heart and mind, for I kept my 
distance. I almost forgot to tell you about her 
chin, which I think is the index to a person’s 
character. It was not too long, but long enough, 
it was not too broad, but broad enough, it was not 
too square, but square enough, it was not too 
pointed, but pointed enough. I have played hell 
in describing her chin, have I not; though when 
you consider carefully what I have said, it mean^ 
this and nothing more and nothing less, that it 
was perfect and would have furnished a model 
for a sculptor. 

^^She left the store, and of course I went too in 
the same direction, though keeping some distance 
behind her; my object being to see where she lived 
if possible. Suddenly I saw her enter a good sized 
brick dwelling house, and as she neither rang the 
door bell nor gave any other notice of her pres- 
ence before going in, I concluded she lived there. 
I stood still and surveyed the surroundings and 


34 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 


noted every object that would be a guide to my 
finding this house again, and had them well fixed 
in my mind. 

^Trom then on, no thought entered my mind 
other than that girl or something connected with 
her, and if once in awhile any other thing en- 
tered, I would find myself trying to connect it 
with her or her with it. For instance, I saw 
a very handsome horse and buggy, and I thought 
how much I would like to own it, and in an in- 
stant I caught myself thinking how much she 
would like to drive behind that horse in that 
buggy, and just in this way everything I thought 
of would lead to her. 

^^What gave me more concern than anything 
else, was how I should manage to meet this living 
piece of human perfection. This I intended to 
do or make heaven and earth meet.^^ 

Just at this moment, I raised my eyes from 
my writing and took a survey of Ean, and to my 
utter consternation and surprise, the man had 
changed so completely that I could scarcely be- 
lieve my own eyes. His head had shrunk to the 
natural sized head, his neck had become as other 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 35 

people^s, his feet were as clear cut and shapely 
as anyone^ s, his arms had been shortened to the 
usual lengthy his ankles were in proportion to 
his other parts, and the shelter over his eyes had 
disappeared. 

To sum up his appearance quickly and accu- 
rately he had changed in to the most perfect 
specimen of man that has ever come under my 
observation. This change filled me partly with 
awe, fright, and a disbelief of my own eyes. 

I did not know what to think. He began to 
relate the scheme he had laid to enable him to 
meet ^^his girl,^^ as he now called her. He said: 

wrote a letter and addressed it to myself 
in care of this girFs father which was duly de- 
livered, as will appear hereafter. I then became 
acquainted with the milk man, who went every 
morning to the girFs house to deliver milk. The 
servant girl was having a flirtation with the milk 
man, and one morning when he arrived at the 
house, the servant girl had a long conversation 
with him, and you know these servants tell all 
they know, and a great deal they do not know 
about the people whom they serve. In the course 


36 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

of this confab, she happened to ask the milk man 
if he knew a man named Ean Sydenstricker. 
He told her he did. 

^^^Well/ she said, ^my boss has a letter for 
him, and it is enclosed in the funniest and fan- 
ciest envelope you ever saw, sometimes it looks 
pretty to me, and then again it does not. Me 
and my boss’s daughter get together, sometimes, 
and have the biggest sort of a laugh over it.’ 

^Well,’ said the milk man, ^if it is the Ean I 
know you and your boss’s daughter may laugh at 
his letter, but when you see him, — that is if you 
ever do — neither of you will laugh at him. He is 
certainly the finest looking man I have ever put 
my eyes on, and judging from the way he spends 
money he has got that to burn too. Why he does 
not mind giving a dollar for a shoe shine, and 
these little devils with their brushes and boxes 
often fight over who shall shine his shoes. I 
think though he is the cause of it, just to see 
them fight, and when a ^^cop” catches the little 
fighting devils, Mr. Ean goes with them to the 
station house and pays the fines for them.’ 

^^The milk man,” said Ean, ^^reported to me 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 37 


what had taken place, just as I have told it to 
you, friend. In the afternoon of that same day 
I walked leisurely along the street on which this 
girl lived, and when within two or three hundred 
yards of the house, I espied her coming out of the 
side gate, which leads into the back yard or lot, 
riding a most exquisite small black horse, a pony 
you would call it. Out of the gate, she turned 
in the direction I was coming, riding slowly; I 
walked faster. Just before we met, a little dog 
known and commonly called a bench legged fice, 
mean little imps these fice are, ran out of an 
alleyway and made for the girl and her horse. 
The beast caught the horse by the hind leg, near 
the ground, and I suppose pinched it pretty hard, 
frightening it and causing it to rear, kick and 
jump and lunge, and broke the saddle girth. 
This caused the girl to fall off, or rather she 
came off in a half fall and slide; unhurt though, 
thank heaven. Being the only assistant near to my 
delight, I went with due and graceful speed, but 
with much indifference. You know that takes 
with a girl, and if properly worked will soon 
chain her to the worker, and he can take his 


38 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 


choice between holding her forever as his, or 
stringing her on his charm string of broken- 
hearted belles, and then bait his hook again. 

^^When I reached the girl, I was surprised at 
the cool, graceful, and at the same time indiffer- 
ent manner in which I said to her, ^Miss, allow.^ 
I did not get any further, however, as she inter- 
rupted by saying, with a smile, ^Thank you.^ ^May 
I assist you in any other way now T I said eagerly. 
You see I had already helped her up, and 
straightened her dress, and brushed off the sand 
and dust. ^Yes,’ she said, ^my ring came off in 
this little accident, and I would be so thankful 
if you will aid me in finding it. It is a very pre- 
cious and highly valued ring, not so much for its 
intrinsic worth, but on account of its giver.^ 

thousand thoughts entered my mind, but I 
will not undertake here to tell what they were, 
you have sense enough, though, to know the up- 
permost one. If you have not I will leave you 
to ponder over it the rest of the time we are to- 
gether. 

^‘1 responded to her request about the ring, not 
in words but in actions. She and I both went 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 39 


through with the usual bending over, with eyes 
and heads down in search for this, to me noth- 
ing; in fact, I hated the ring, though I had never 
seen it, but to her it seemed everything. We 
could do but little in the way of recovering it, 
until I secured a small stick for each of us and 
we scratched and scratched. I know we worked 
over fifteen or twenty square feet of ground with 
the ends of those two sticks, and worked care- 
fully and closely, when suddenly she struck some- 
thing with the end of her stick which made a 
faint tingling noise, — it could scarcely be heard; 
she stuck to that spot though and soon uncovered 
and picked up the ring. It was the handsomest 
thing I ever saw; it plunged a dagger into my 
heart. 

^^She started back to her home, about ten min- 
utes^ walk away. You should have seen me as I 
raised my hat and asked her permission to ac- 
company her. 

do not say this is what I said to her, but it 
ran something like this, ^Miss, may I have the ex- 
quisite pleasure which if permitted^ will afford 


40 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

me much happiness as long as the walk lasts, of 
accompanying you to your home 

^Certainly, sir,^ she said. ^This is something 
though that I never before granted to a stranger, 
and I don^t see how it was really possible for us 
to be together under the circumstances which 
caused it, and as long as we were without either 
of us ever asking or ever intimating the name of 
the other? As you do not seem to be possessed 
with curiosity enough to know my name, and 
you having been and are being so kind to me in 
the accident, I will take the liberty of asking 
your name.’ 

said by way of apology I was not quite sure 
of its being the proper thing for me, to have 
asked her name. I knew it all the time. I told 
her mine. 

^^^My name is Lindy Beeswax,’ she answered. 
At this disclosure I said to myself, although I 
knew her name before, am delighted ; for I 
knew Ean Sydenstricker was bad enough for a 
name, but Lindy Beeswax tops it.’ 

soon discovered she was not very communi- 
cative on this occasion. I do not know whether 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 41 


or not it was caused by her being absorbed in con- 
sidering what terrible names we both had, but 
she was meditating anyway, on something. Just 
as we reached the gate to her home we walked 
very slowly. I saw the servant with something 
in her hand waving and motioning it at Miss 
Lindy, as I will now call her, and, by jove! this 
reminds me, I promised not to call names and 
have broken it. I have this excuse, though I am 
one of those who cannot tell what happened un- 
less I tell it just as it was, and to do this I was 
forced to repeat every word, which includes 
names, though she did not intend me to see her 
motioning. 

^^Miss Lindy having discovered the servant, 
broke the monosyllabic silence, so to speak, by say- 
ing, ^There is a letter at home for you, Mr. 
Sydenstricker. It came in our mail, I mean 
directed in our care to you, that is I suppose, it 
must be yours.^ ^Thanks,^ said I, TDut I cannot 
imagine how in the world any one ever directed a 
letter addressed to me in your care.^ 

^^She left me at the gate saying as she went in : 

^^Let me get it for you / then as if she had been 


42 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 


impolite she partly turned and said, ^or wonH you 
come, too?^ I refused of course, politely, though 
with much concealed reluctance. 

^^She brought the letter, every word of which 
I knew and had written myself. In order though 
to show interest, I opened it at once, pretended 
to look at the signature, then raised my eyes with 
the remark: 

am so glad this letter fell into such safe 
and good hands. It is very important to me; in 
fact, it is the key to what I once thought would 
puzzle me greatly.^ Our parting at the gate was 
done in the up-to-date style. I wish you could 
have seen me, friend, as I raised my hat, bent a 
little forward and said: 

^Good bye. Miss Beeswax. I am very glad in- 
deed to have been the means of rescuing you from 
your accident ; but I have been well paid, if charges 
were customary under such circumstances, in being 
allowed the pleasure of accompanying you home. 
I hope though to see more of you before I leave the 
city." 

^^^Good bye, Mr. Syderstricker," she said. ^I 
can assure you that I am under obligations for 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 43 


your kindness to me in every way since we met, 
and especially in aiding me in repossessing this 
ring, which I treasure more than anything on 
earth because my grandmother first owned it, and 
it has been handed down in the family as an 
heirloom ever since, till it has at last reached me 5 
and I too will be glad to see more of you before 
you leave the city.’ 

"By gosh, it lifted a weight from my mind or 
from my heart, I do not know which, — they seem 
to get mixed up in this business so, I cannot tell 
whether the trouble is in the mind or the heart ; 
it was certainly somewhere till the ring business 
was explained. I tell you, friend, since, I come 
to think there may be a little play she wants to 
make on me. Why should she have told me 
where the ring came from? One of two things, 
is all that I can see. Either she is in love with 
me or wants me to get in love with her and think- 
ing that the ring might be looked upon by me as 
an obstacle, she would relieve my mind. Hence 
the explanation. 

"I am in a worse fix than I was before the weight 
was lifted. Is it an engagement ring? Did she 


44 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

make her statement to me for the purpose of 
drawing me on, and when I get into her parlor, 
like the spider and the fly, do me? These are 
the questions and she is a woman. What a state 
of mind it leaves me in. Is. it the heart or is it 
the brain? Is my definition of love a failure? 
Which did she mean; what is she after? My def- 
inition of love is not worth anything, it cannot be 
defined. I am just like all the fools. They nor 
I can tell what it is or where it comes from. Why 
should I love this girl whose name is enough to 
stall ten locomotives ? But it is said there is noth- 
ing in a name. I donT believe it ; because this girl 
has love in hers. She has my love certain, or rather 
that thing nobody knows what it is and simply 
calls it love.’^ 

Ean was in rage, and almost demented while 
making the above statement. In order to get his 
mind off the girl, I undertook to interrupt in this 
way. 

^^Stop your foolish talk, and finish giving me 
your experience on the Amazon Kiver.^^ 

^^Give you what? I know nothing about the 
Amazon Eiver. Where is it? Do you know any- 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 45 


thing about it ? Have you had any experience on 
it? If you have you can keep it to yourself. 
I don’t want to hear anything about it.” 

^^Kan,” I said, ^^dQ you not remember telling 
me those wonderful tales about your experience 
down on the Amazon, in the beginning of our ac- 
quaintance.” 

He seemed for an instant trying to recall if he 
had done so, and being unable to remember, he ex- 
claimed with much vehemence : 

do not, and I do not believe I did. I believe 
you are making this thing up, but let me tell you 
something. I am going to finish telling you about 
the girl, about my actings and doings with her up to 
date. I have hardly commenced yet. I have con- 
sumed much of my time with you half soliloquiz- 
ing about the fix she left me in, and you know I 
never once thought of it till I was back, and began 
to tell you about her. Is not that strange ?” 

^^Ean,” I said, ^^as you are now somewhat com- 
posed I will listen to the balance of your love 
experience, provided you will not get in another 
excited rage or in what you call a half soliloquiz- 
ing mood. Go on now.” 


46 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

^^Well, on the second day after we parted at 
the gate I succeeded in making an engagement, 
to call on her that night ; but in the meantime let 
me tell you this. The next day after I first saw 
her I received a statement from a certain bank 
which showed the amount of interest due me on 
a deposit of thirty-seven thousand dollars, for one 
year at six per cent., and the banker desired to 
know if I wanted to draw my interest out or let 
it remain as a deposit and draw interest also. I 
replied and asked that the interest remain as a 
deposit. You know I knew nothing about having 
that money in the bank, but I am getting off the 
subject again. I will wait and tell you later 
about that bank business. I had to mention it 
right here, though, to show you how I played my 
hand on the first visit to this angel.^^ 

said I, ^%ive us a rest. You, I know, 
are getting down to business now. Angel, is it 

^^Hush ! In the course of time and short time, 
at that, you will be one of the fools, too. When I 
reached her house that night a servant directed me 
to a seat in the parlor. You have heard of the lap 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 47 

of luxury, have you not? Well, I felt as if I had. 
taken a seat in that lap. 

^^Soon after she entered, the usual greetings 
were exchanged and then two chairs were occu- 
pied. 

hope you have entirely recovered from the 
accident the dog caused,^ said I. 

^Oh, yes, indeed,’ she said ; ^that kind of thing 
lasts no longer with me than the gentle breeze 
which passes across the heavens.’ 

^Does anything last long with you ?’ said I. 

^Yes,’ she said ; ^for instance, my love for this 
ring will never come to an end.’ 

^Confound that ring,’ I thought, and said to 
myself, ^What does she bring it up for every time 
the opportunity offers the chance.’ 

^^^Will your love,’ said I, ^for ever5rthing and 
everybody that you do or could love, last as long, 
think you, as your love for that ring?’ 

don’t know,’ she answered, ^in regard to 
animate or rather human beings, as I have never 
had any experience in that line.’ Certainly,’ said 
I, ^your relatives are human beings, and you have 
experienced love for them.’ ^Yes, that goes with- 


48 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 


out saying, they are a part of me, and you know 
every human being loves himself or herself, and 
every part thereof/ 

^You are not prepared then,^ said I, ^to say 
whether you could or could not love a non rela- 
tive?’ ^ISTo,’ she said. Up to this time the conver- 
sation was without any animation. It was simply 
cold icily icy, she answering my questions more as 
a matter of politeness and courtesy than a feeling 
of warm desire to do so, like most girls. I was in 
a dilemma. I wanted to tell her how very much 
I loved her, and every time I would get to the 
sticking point a sort of lump or bulk of some- 
thing would rise in my throat, and choke me off. 
This happened two or three times or more. 

finally made up my mind to get down to 
business, that is what I went there for, and I was 
determined to carry out my purpose. So I riveted 
my eyes upon her, or rather in hers, and said : 

^^^Miss Lindy, — oh pardon me for addressing 
you so after such a short acquaintance, I can assure 
you it was not done as a mark of sinister famil- 
iarity or disrespect, but as an indication of the 
warm and true and genuine love I feel towards 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 49 

you — is it possible^ by searching through your 
hearty you could find somewhere there a smoulder- 
ing spark of love for me, and if I were to allow 
you to lay down a rule for my future action and 
conduct generally, and I conducted myself strictly 
in accordance with the rule, do you think that 
spark if you find it would grow into a blaze 
^^As I was propounding this question I watched 
her every movement, every expression, every fea- 
ture, there was not the slightest change in any. 
She sat gracefully in her chair, gave me her un- 
divided attention until I finished my question. 
Then she said : 

^Mr. Sydenstricker, if I were ever so much 
inclined to answer your question I would not do 
so, because it is a one-sided, or rather a conditional 
interrogatory, too many ifs. Your perception cer- 
tainly is or should be acute enough to see that your 
question is one calculated, if answered, to com- 
mit me and leave you unshackled. What if I were 
to say no ? What if I were to say yes T 

^^She said this so deliberately and indifferently 
that I felt as if I had frozen on the brink of my 
first love making. Her tone of voice, and the 


50 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

very expression of her eyes, for they talked too 
as well as her tongue, convinced me it was a mat- 
ter of little consequence to her whether the ques- 
tion left me shackled or unshackled. She simply 
desired to inform me how very defective my ques- 
tion was, that is all. 

^Will you,^ said I, ^if I frame the question in 
such a manner as to be straight to the point, with- 
out ifs or ands in it, and so as to shackle me, an- 
swer it?^ ^Mr. Sydenstricker,’ she said, have 
never had any experience in the line of thought 
which seems to be harbored in your mind to-night, 
for that reason I say most positively, that on such 
short acquaintance I shall answer nothing along 
that line. I will say, however, your last ques- 
tion, to my mind is as defective as your first, it be- 
gins with an if, which makes it conditional.^ 

^^At this point she excused herself and left the 
room. As she did I purposely let fall the banker’s 
note to me, and of course I went away and forgot 
it. Whether she read it or not I am not prepared 
to say. I left it with that intention of course, be- 
cause you know money cures many defects in the 
eyes of both men and women. 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 51 

^^There is no danger of prevaricating when I 
affirm there are a few exceptions to this general 
mle. 

^^Friend, yon know this love business is like 
playing cards. There is a shuffle, a cut, and a 
deal, and he or she who plays his or her hand best 
wins the stakes. Understand though you must have 
the best trump hand if you win against a good 
player, and I thought the bankers note would be 
the ace of trumps in this game. 

^^She came back in a few minutes and we con- 
versed, not on this love business any more that 
night, but about things in general, until the time 
arrived for me to leave, and as I arose to say 
good-bye she did also, and the usual parting words 
were exchanged. I believe I did say to her : 

Tlease think over what we have been talking 
about, that we may understand each other better 
next time we meet.’ 

T will see about it,’ was all she said. I left 
her.” 

Ean came to a full stop. 

^^Ean, I wish you would postpone the other part 
of your experience with your girl/’ I said, ^^you 


52 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

know you have a week’s experience with her yet 
to tell, and continue your experience on the 
Amazon/^ 

He seemed to be dazed at the very mention of 
the Amazon, and repeated what he at first said, 
after his miraculous change, in substance that he 
knew nothing about the Amazon. I becoming 
anxious on this subject, said: 

^^Ean Sydenstricker, do you mean to sit there 
with a straight face, a pure and clear conscience, 
and with a mind free from deception and tell me 
that you have never in all your life been to or 
seen the Amazon Eiver?” 

His emphatic and convincing reply was: 

^‘1 do.” He further said: 

^^Hush your foolishness about the Amazon, and 
let me go on and unwind my ball of yarn about my 
girl.” 

^^No,” said I, want you to answer me this. 
Why did you give me the most miraculous de- 
scriptions of what you saw and did on the Amazon ? 
Here, let me read it to you, and I want you to 
listen carefully, for you told me every word I have 
written, just as you told me every word I have 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 53 

written about your love affair, and that too in 
the plainest language and words. You know I 
always did detest these high-sounding words, which 
most writers devote more time to selecting than to 
the writing itself. In short they would if they 
could be high flyers, and in this way they destroy 
the naturalness of the writing. It shows that he 
or she is under a strain all the time for big words. 
'Now these are your words just as you used them, 
and it sounds natural and just like you told it, 
without any frills or ruffles or other trimming.^^ 

I then began and read all that he had told me, 
at the end of which he exclaimed in the most ex- 
cited* manner : 

^^I have never seen or heard of such a thing be- 
fore,^^ and he affirmed and asseverated most posi- 
tively that he never told it to me. He said: 

^^Friend, do you mean to sit here and tell me I 
ever looked like or filled the description of the 
man you have described right in fhe beginning of 
this written instrument which you say will some 
day perhaps be a book?’^ 

H do,’^ said I. 

^^And you saw me look like that 


54 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

did/^ A silence like that which accompanies 
a death bed scene prevailed for five minutes to be 
accurate or inaccurate, each of us with our eyes 
fixed on the face and eyes of the other, as if to 
detect some sign or indication, from the features 
or expressions, that would prove falsehood in the 
other. 

^^Kan, do you swear by the God that made you, 
and upon the holy evangelist, with your right 
hand upon the book of life and salvation, that you 
did not tell me what I have written about your 
experience upon the Amazon ?” 
do.^^ 

^^Then, sir, by subscribing to this oath, your 
whole conduct is a bewildering mystery, I must 
admit.” 

As he had his eyes fixed firmly and steadily in, 
or on, mine looking me straight in the face, there 
was not a twitching muscle, not a feature in his 
face to indicate anything other than that he at 
least believed what he had said. His manner, his 
deportment, and calm, cool and emphatic, do,” 
made such an impression on me that I would not 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 55 


be willing to subscribe the same oath that he did 
tell me what I wrote. 

I dismissed, or rather persuaded, Kan to excuse 
me for the balance of the day, but made him 
promise to come the next morning and continue 
his love affair. 

As he left the room and closed the door my 
brain began to whirl and I took my turn at a 
soliloquy. What is he? Is he human? Is he 
inhuman ? Is he superhuman ? Is he the man I 
first met and described? Did he have the power 
to change? Is he making a fool of me? What 
am I? Am I the man who wrote about the 
Amazon? Are these eyes in my head the same 
now as they were then ? Have I been spell-bound ? 
Have I been hypnotized? In short am II? 
These are the questions and things that are whirl- 
ing in my brain. These are the things that weave 
a web about me from which I cannot extricate 
myself. Is this the same man whom I heard say, 

am somewhat of a liar myself, ain^t I ?’^ If he 
is, there will have to be some extraordinary tales 
told now in order to let in more light on this 
mystery. 


56 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

What and who is he? What and who am I? 
Have we been or have we never been? That is 
the question. But where is the answer? Would 
to God I never had allowed him to leave me for 
one moment, until I had the whole Amazonian tale 
from him. It is something new, and when given 
to the public would have the greatest run of any 
publication, and I need money. 

Is it possible that fool, or liar I had better call 
him, is going to nip my plan and purpose in the 
bud ? Is there coming a killing frost to singe the 
balance of whatever this fool or liar was going to 
tell me about the Amazon, thereby depriving me 
of the pleasure of writing it down and getting 
money for it ? And depriving the world the pleas- 
ure of buying and reading it? If so, it is only 
another of those occurrences which verifies the 
maxim or saying, '^We must submit to the in- 
evitable.^^ Is this inevitable though? Cannot I 
write on without this man ? 

Is it possible I will have to continue writing 
this man’s love tale and nothing more? There 
has been more paper wasted and destroyed and 
ruined on these love sick yarns than it would take 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 57 

to supply the known world for the next ten years, 
to say nothing of the ink, which no doubt would be 
sufficient to float all the war vessels of the world 
in. If I am to go on writing this love business 
I am afraid my written instrument will be refused 
by all the publishers. 

Well, that miserable old clock has ticked out 
time enough to-day and to-night to make me tired, 
and I shall retire, though I know there will be no 
sleep for me. Confound that Ean Sydenstricker ! 

I blew out the light, went to bed. I rolled and 
tumbled about till I was forced, I suppose, to drop 
off to sleep by actual exhaustion, both of body and 
brain. I do not know how long I slept, but I am 
safe in saying, so long as I could use and work 
my brain, Ean Sydenstricker was riding around on 
it, as it whirled. And I know this, when I woke 
the next morning, just about day, Ean was still 
riding. It was not later than eight and a half 
o’clock, when Ean came back and persisted in 
going on with his love tale, and of course I con- 
tinued to write it down, and this is what he 
said: 

^^Well, I believe I had finished with my first 


58 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

visit to my girl^ and wanted to go on with the 
balance when yon interrupted me, and asked me 
to excuse you ^till this morning/ 

^^That is right/^ 

am here now to continue/^ Ean said. ^^The 
next time I met Miss Lindy was in the same drug 
store, you know ladies have a fondness for drug 
stores. She had several little bundles, too many 
for her to carry with much comfort. I knew these 
packages had to get home, and this gave me the 
desired chance to offer my assistance, and by so 
doing I again had the pleasure of a walk with her. 

^^When we reached the house she invited me in 
with a stiff don’t-care-whether-you-come-in-or- 
whether-you-don’t kind of a way. I took advan- 
tage of the opportunity though and went in. I 
spent’ several delightful hours with her in the 
same lap-of-luxury room. 

^^Both seated, she said, feel somewhat tired 
after my stroll over town to-day. You know it is 
a very unpleasant duty to shop for other people, 
and that has been my work to-day. I know if I 
havenH suited my cousin I shall be severely criti- 
cised, and if I have she will think it was no more 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 59 


than I should have done. This is about all the 
thanks one gets for such work.^ 

I ^^^You know, Miss Lindy, that is one of the 
characteristics of ladies, they are never under ob- 
ligations to each other no matter what is done, 
and especially when they do things for each other 
like you have been doing to-day. Your cousin 
thinks you were delighted at having the oppor- 
tunity of going from store to store to-day and look- 
ing at the different articles of merchandise. She 
thinks, no doubt, you would have been offended 
had she given that pleasure or honor to some one 
else.^ 

^^Just at this point a little sister of Miss Lindy 
came running into the parlor with her hands full 
of all sorts of little paper back joke books, and 
they were left scattered all over the floor. 

^^As Miss Lindy rose and carried the littje vixen 
out I picked up one of these little books, and 
glancing over it my eyes fell upon this: 

^One time a man wanted to marry a girl, and in 
order to make her believe he was rich, he dropped 
a letter where the girl could get and read it.^ 

^Then Miss Lindy came back. 


60 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

^What are you reading in that nonsensical 
book, though I must say there are some right good 
jokes in them/ 

^^By this time she had walked right up to me, 
and looked at what I was reading. She became 
convulsed with laughter. I never saw any one en- 
joy anything so in my life, seemingly, though I im- 
agined I could detect that it was just a little 
forced. Friend, I cannot describe to you how I 
felt. I could neither laugh nor keep from laugh- 
ing, or rather, trying to make out that I was 
laughing. It was simply the ^dry grins,^ that is 
the most expressive language to put it in, if it is 
slang. 

thought about what I said, that this love busi- 
ness was like a game of cards, and I also thought 
about what you said, that I had given Miss Lindy 
the ace of trumps. After the laugh and the dry 
grins were over we were seated again and began 
to talk on different topics. I thought that I could 
see she was just a little more congenial, I believe 
you call it, than she had heretofore been. I think 
I could see that she was using that voice and those 
eyes of hers to the best advantage. To tell you 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 61 

the truth, friend, I thought in some way I had 
melted that icy way of hers, and she had now be- 
gun to play her cards for my heart ; but the diffi- 
culty with me was whether if she won the stakes 
she would pocket them or turn them back to me. 
That was my trouble, and that was what I was 
afraid of. You see I would have been willing for 
her to win, provided I had any assurance that she 
would hold her winnings forever. But I did not 
know whether that was her aim and object, or 
whether she was playing the game to win just to 
show me she could get the stakes, but did not 
want them. 

^^However, I had made up my mind to play with 
her. I made the first lead, with : 

^Miss Lindy, you remember I told you I wanted 
to see more of you?^ 

^^She plays, with: ^No, I donT remember.^ This 
made it my lead again, and I looked and looked at 
my cards to see what I should play. Finally I led 
again, with: 

^^^Miss Lindy, do you remember the things I 
said to you before, some of which were very im- 


62 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

portant to me^ though you looked upon them very 
lightly?^ 

^^She plays, with : ^Yes, I remember some things 
you* said to me before, but I donH recall anything 
of very much importance/ 

^Confound the luck/ I said to myself ; ^she 
took this trick with the ace of trumps/ Friend, 
you have got to play like the Watsons’^ when you 
play with a woman. 

^^She leads now, with : remember you told me 
it was a pleasure for you to assist me in the acci- 
dent/ 

do not remember whether I told you that or 
not, but if I did not then, I do so now, and would 
like to say more to you on what to me is the high- 
est ambition of my life ; in truth, if I am permitted 
I will tell you all/ I took this trick with the king 
of trumps, she having before played the ace, and 
I led again, with : ^Miss Lindy/ she turns and looks 
me full in the face, and at the same time she went 
through with a choky swallowing. 

^^You have seen them do that when the game 
is about half played, have you not ? ^Miss Lindy/ 
I said, ^be honest, be fair, be truthful with me 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 63 

now, is there any possible hope for me to marry 
yon?^ She plays with: 

^^^Yon know almost anything is possible with 
a man that does not require the intervention of 
some superhuman power or agency to accomplish/ 
It is my lead again, I do so with: 

^Would this require the intervention of some 
superhuman power, or agency to accomplish?^ 
Friend, I felt almost inspired now. 

think we would better drop this subject,^ 
she said, Ve have not known each other long 
enough to even talk on the subject of matrimony, 
and here you are placing me in a position where 
1 might make the mistake of my life/ 

lead again, with : ^Will you promise here and 
now that between this and the next time we see 
each other, you will give this matter your full con- 
sideration, and at the same time search into the 
recess of your heart, and see if there is a spark of 
feeling hidden there, even for me, which I may, 
might, or could, by any conduct on my part awaken 
into a burning fire?’ 

^^She plays, with : would not like to promise 
you that, it would rather be admitting if I had a 


64 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

feeling for you it would take a search to find it? 
and you know the soi*t of feeling you are speaking 
of must come unsought^ must come voluntary, not 
searched for/ She took this trick and ended the 
game, which made it awkward for the next. It 
will be her lead, you see, and this is against the 
rules. The man is bound, both by custom and 
propriety, to make the first lead. We will arrange 
it though some way at the proper time. 

^^Friend, you seem to be not as much interested 
in writing now as you were at the beginning of 
our acquaintance. What is the matter 

In reply to Ean’s question, I said: 

am puzzled about something no living being 
can explain except you. And I am not sure that 
you can. I am also disappointed in my under- 
taking the writing of this instrument, or rather 
your experience. It has changed from what I 
expected to pen when I began. The first part 
contains reading matter that is not of the every 
day sort, there is nothing like it in print, and now 
to have it changed into this every day love stuff 
I am writing for you is awfully, awfully depressing 
upon me. This is why there is a want of eager 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 65 


anxiety on my part about writing now. Cannot 
you give me some sort of a miraculous tale similar 
to those you have already given me?^^ 

‘^By jove, you keep pouncing on me about those 
tales which I have no recollection of, but if you 
promise to finish my love tale I will try to make 
a good one for you^ provided you are not absolutely 
satisfied that my love tale is the best ever told or 
written, when I get to the end.^^ 

This made me feel better, but I said: 

^^Kan, you know your love tale is about the same 
as all the others, and what is the use of wasting 
paper on them.’^ 

^^Let me finish before you pass judgment as to 
sameness. I called again on my girl, and we 
began to play the second time, the cards being 
shuffled and dealt, with hearts as trumps. I said 
before leading was done by either of us: 

^iss Lindy, you know you took the last trick 
in that game we played when I was here before?^ 
^Oh no,^ she said, ^you are mistaken, you took 
it.’ 

^^This suited me exactly,” said San, ^Tor it 


66 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

placed me in the position where 1 conld and did 
say: 

^It is my lead then/ 

^^Friend^ to tell the truth, I was anxious to get 
down to business at once, so I said : 

^You would not promise me what I asked you 
when we were here last, but have you given what 
we were talking about any consideration whatso- 
ever?^ She plays, with: 

^What do you want to know that for ? It would 
not interest you unless I went further and told you 
whether it was a favorable or unfavorable con- 
sideration, would it?^ 

^^Friend,'^ said Kan, ^^you cannot imagine 'how 
I felt when she uttered the words Vould it?^ It 
was said in a way which convinced me she was 
burning to tell me she had considered it favorably, 
but was rather ashamed she had done so. I 
mean that shameness, so to speak, produced by 
modesty. 

saw I had won the game, but to make the 
scene the same old picture which has been painted 
by every love couple who preceded me, and will 
be painted by every one who comes after me as long 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 67 

as man is called upon to be the proposer in securing 
a wife. If the custom ever changes so the woman 
will have to do the proposing I hardly know what 
would be the scene. I imagine if there was a re- 
jection by the man it would be his last, for when 
a woman loves and makes it known to her lover, 
he must either succumb or die. Have you not 
heard of them killing their lovers because they 
were getting luke warm and playing with other 
girls? This though never happens, and there is 
not a single instance on record, nor is there any 
tradition I have ever heard of unless the woman 
has disclosed her love for the man, in other words, 
the man must have acted in such a way as to draw 
from her her feelings for him unfairly, dishonestly, 
and deceptively. I am getting to be pretty good 
authority on this business, but I am losing time. 

led again by grasping her lily white hand in 
mine, and almost on my knees continued to lead, 
with: 

^Miss Lindy, look in my face and behold truth 
written there in capital letters. It will certainly 
interest me to even know you have considered what 
I asked you to consider; and to know and to hear 


68 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

from your own lips that yon have thought favor- 
ably, and do say that yon have, and make me no 
longer a doubtful miserable man. I swear to you 
if you say ^^no^^ I should go down the stream a 
wrecked and ruined man, while on the other hand, 
if I can hear the word ^^yes,’^ there will have been 
a heavy trembly weight lifted from my shoulders, 
which will ensure happiness for me forever, and 
love for you so long as heaven feeds the stars. 
Answer yes, I say, in that sweet, sweet gentle voice 
of yours, and let this terrible, this trying suspense 
stop. Speak ! for my sake, speak now.^ 

^^Friend, you should have heard this plea, which 
I was making before Cupid’s court, and it is a 
court with a judge, jury and lawyer, all against 
the pleader, and all combined in one. It is simply 
a one-sided court, as custom has constituted it, 
and the only redeeming feature it has is there are 
never any witnesses to testify for or against the 
parties to the suit. I knew I had won my case 
though before I began my argument, this is so in 
most hard-fought cases before this court; there- 
fore I was not at all surprised at the word ‘yes’ 
when it came. What bothered me more than any- 


I 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 69 

thing else just at this time was what to do and 
say, and how to do and say it. So I paused for a 
moment as if trying to conceal and keep back a 
tear, which had cost me some effort to bring forth, 
and said: 

^Miss Lindy, you know man must be overjoyed 
when he reaches that pinnacle where he cannot con- 
trol his feelings of joy and success. I feel now 
as if I had the whole world in a swing. I feel that 
I have won the hardest played game that ever was 
played, and pocketed the most valuable stakes that 
were ever played for. Let me know while I still 
have this perfect hand of yours in mine, promise 
that by reason of your favorable consideration of 
me you shall never have cause to regret it, you 
shall never after we are married have cause to re- 
prove me for any conduct or action, I shall always 
be to you what you know I feel at this moment, 
and you shall be mine forever, and possess my love 
and undivided devotion as long as life last, and 
after death too if it is possible, and I do hope I 
will have full control of myself then, so I can 
continue to be devoted to, and love you as I do 
now.^ 


70 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

trust that in the future you will be man 
enough to stand by all you have voluntarily prom- 
ised, but I think you are somewhat excited now, 
and you know rash sayings and doings and prom- 
ises, too, are the accompaniments of excitement. I 
therefore would rather hear this repeated in your 
cooler moments, after you have seen that I am just 
about on a par with all other girls, with the excep- 
tion that there exists a slight difference in all our 
features. I mean simply this, you never saw any 
two people precisely alike, yet there is a sameness 
to a more or less degree in us all.^ 

^The cool, calm way in which she delivered her- 
self in reply composed me so much that all the 
excitement passed off, and we were both seated as 
if nothing had happened out of the usual run ‘of 
things. I did not care to talk of love any more 
just at that time, and not being able to get started 
on some other subject, though I made several at- 
tempts, I rose to go. She insisted on my re- 
maining longer, quite different from the time I 
saw her before, but I excused myself about in the 
usual way and bade her good-bye, saying as a part- 
ing sentence: 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 71 

hope you will try to cultivate your love for 
me, and make it stronger and more durable/ 

^Good-bye/ said she, ^but I do not see, I cannot 
imagine why you should say that. Do you not know 
when a woman gives her heart and hand to a man, 
it necessarily follows that her love has reached its 
full strength, has been cultivated with the utmost 
precision, in short, all the weeds and grass and 
rubbish eradicated, and the pure simple love left, 
or rather given to him? Under these circum- 
stances if it is not durable his will be the cause.^ 
^Good-bye,^ I said again^ and as I was going 
down the steps, I partially turned and said : 

will come to see you again soon. You know 
I cannot stay away long, and should I contract the 
habit of being with you too often, regard it as one 
of those things over which I have no control, not 
as an intention to annoy you and keep off and in- 
terfere with gentlemen friends of yours, for I 
know they can only be friends from now on.^ ’’ 

I gave just enough and no more of my atten- 
tion to Ean than was required to write what he 
was saying. I have read so many of these love 
scenes I could have written it without any atten- 


72 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 


tion to him. These scenes remind me of young 
babies, I mean right yonng ones ; they all look just 
alike, all cry just alike, and very soon tire and tax 
one’s patience to its fullest extent. However, every 
loving couple thinks, no doubt, their experience 
along this line is more loving, more up-to-date, 
gone through with in a more perfect manner, with 
stronger love words and expressions, than any other 
couple. 

Ean must be a polished gentleman, for the rea- 
son that I have read books in which the love scenes 
were the most thrilling parts, or the- most im- 
portant, and his language and his actings come 
fully up to the characters in those books, which 
their readers say were perfect. But I doubt very 
much whether their authors thought so, because 
they, like me, had to listen to the character him- 
self as he told it, which is the most tiresome strain 
and painful duty that ever befalls any one. I 
hope Ean will spare me a little before he begins 
again, I need a little breathing spell. 

Cannot the fool or liar wait till to-morrow? I 
will play sick, and when he returns I will he in 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 73 

bed. Here goes, down I drop with my great coat 
over me. 

At the door, tap, tap. 

^^Come in. Ean, are yon back 

^^Yes,^^ he said, ^^get np. I want to get through 
telling you my love tale.^^ 

^^Come back to-morrow, I am feeling unwell 
to-day, and must have some resV^ said I. This 
agreed upon Ean left me alone, and was to return 
the next day. 

^^This fellow, Ean Sydenstricker,^^ said I to 
myself, in fact I was always saying it, ^^is a mystery 
to me. I have often heard of people changing, 
though I looked upon that as referring to their 
habits, conduct and character, but here is a man 
whose very person, whose very body, whose very 
limbs, and whose very features have changed, to- 
gether with his very aim and object in life I might 
say, because he is very different than when he 
started out with me, and heaven knows how much 
longer he is going to annoy me with this stupid 
love tale of his. I wonder what he would do if I 
were to come right down to business and tell him I 
must give it up? It is not what I thought it 


74 Somewhat of a Liar Myself, 

would be when I began. If there is not a change 
in it, and as much of a one as there is in him 
pretty soon I shall give it up. I’ll be called, as 
the old woman called the little girl ^^foolish fool” 
if I keep on writing this stuff. 

The next morning I rose feeling in pretty good 
trim, so much so I did not care what I had to do 
for my day’s work, even if the necessity of writing 
Ean’s love tale was again forced upon me. It 
was not long though before I heard this necessity 
coming up the steps, and in a second or so Ean 
appeared. 

^^How are you feeling, friend ; much better than 
yesterday I trust, you look better every way?” 

do feel in pretty good trim for anything this 
morning.” 

^^Well,” said Ean, ^^you will be surprised when 
I tell you the next time I saw Miss Lindy was at 
that same drug store late in the afternoon. This 
time I, of course, walked home with her. In open- 
ing a conversation with her I remarked: 

^^^Miss Lindy, I believe you look prettier and 
prettier every time I see you, and your dress is the 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 75 

prettiest thing I ever saw barring your own pretty 
self/ 

^This is only imagination on your part, though 
it is very good of you to say such nice things about 
me, whether imagined or whether they are really 
so/ 

^Oh,’ said I, ^you know me to be too genuine 
to speak other than truthfully to you now. 
Though let that be as it may, I want to talk with 
you when we reach your home on the matter as to 
how long you will impose on me the necessity of 
waiting until our marriage time arrives.^ 

^^As we entered the gate she said, ^Very well, 
after tea we will consider that.^ She led me to 
the parlor, while she excused herself, and departed 
to some other part of the house, and did not re- 
turn until just before time to answer the summons 
of the tea bell. 

^^Of course I met all the other people of the 
Household at the table, yet I do not propose to call 
any names or give any descriptions of them. Tea 
over, we went to the lap-of-luxury-room again, and 
for several hours were engaged in trying to agree 


76 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

and fix on a suitable time to us both, for the mar- 
riage. 

^Triend, I had no idea this was such a difficult 
task to perform, or rather for her to perform. She 
would fix a day, and then change, fix another, and 
then change, and once and a while she would vow 
she could not fix a day, she did not want to marry 
any way, and all kind of silly foolishness like that. 
At one time I was afraid I would show my im- 
patience or disgust, for it was that and nothing 
more, she had filled me with. I then for the first 
time took in the fact that even Miss Lindy could 
act in a displeasing way to me, and I wondered if 
I could do so to her. 

^Tinally we agreed on the fifteenth of October, 
and by the way, that is not very far distant, and 
then I will have to be absent again you know for 
about a week. After the marriage is over I shall 
take a trip on business, of course, or I will make 
her think so, and come back and tell you the wind- 
ing up part. I propose to go in style to the mar- 
riage ceremony. This is all now, good-bye, till 
after I put on the yoke.^^ 

Kan was very cool and deliberate in this last 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 77 

description, though he did not, a fool or liar, seem 
to take in the fact that he had only two days left 
before the marriage, or if he did there was nothing 
to indicate it, nor did he even invite me to his 
marriage. This I thought was rather strange, yet 
I did not know whether I wanted to go or not. I 
have already witnessed the same old scenes which 
take place at weddings. Cutting for the ring, 
jumping the broom, though I believe the broom 
business has become obsolete, throwing rice and 
old shoes at the bride and groom as they leave 
home, the congratulations of the groom and bride 
after the ceremony, all of which are about the 
same. After just time enough had elapsed for 
Kan to do so, he returned to me very much ex- 
cited, almost out of breath, his chest expanding 
and contracting so rapidly and heavily that he 
could scarcely talk. His sentences were cut fre- 
quently for the want of breathing time. Finally 
though he said : 

^The devil has been to play. Wait till I get 
rested and I will tell you all of it, tell all that has 
happened.^^ 

^Well,” said I, ^Take a seat, and quit pacing up 

LofC. 


78 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 


and down the room; that will expedite your com- 
posure/^ 

He followed my direction or suggestion, and 
seated himself in the same old chair, and said: 

will begin now, as I think I am sufficiently 
cool/^ But, said I: 

^^Ean, how did you get back so soon ? You have 
hardly had time to be married/^ Breathing 
rapidly and excitedly still, he said : 

^‘1 will tell all about it. 

^^The night that was appointed for the marriage 
I went to the house, saw my girl, and she did 
look splendidly too, like an angel of course. There 
were the bridesmaids, the groomsmen, and a great 
many other people, including the preacher, all 
waiting for the performance of the ceremony. 
V/hen the appointed hour came we formed in a 
room opposite the parlor, where the ceremony was 
to be, with a wide hall between, and as I and my 
bride-to-be were leading the procession across the 
hall, suddenly a large house-cat came in contact 
with my fair one^s feet and threw her supinely 
upon the floor in spite of all I could do to hold her 
up. 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 79 

jove, friend/^ 

Kan sprang to his feet here^ and repeated : 

^^My girl broke into ten thousand pieces. The 
first thing I saw was her head was off and crumbled 
into countless thousand small pieces. I saw her 
hands were broken from her wrists^ and all her 
fingers from her hands, her feet were off, and 
everything was scattered helter skelter in every 
conceivable and inconceivable way and place in 
the room. Notwithstanding all this, I did man- 
age to pick up what was left, and, by gad, sir, i!; 
was still alive and breathing and talking. I sup- 
pose I must have been the most frightened man 
on this green earth, and at the same time what 
dazed me was no one else seemed to be at all up- 
set. The friends of my girl all stood around her 
and inquired if she was hurt. She said ^no,^ but 
in a very different voice than usual, and finally 
to my utter consternation and actual fright, 
though I did nothing but listen, her father and 
mother said to her: 

^You will simply have to be made over, Lindy, 
and fix another time for your marriage.^ 

"'Then everybody began to pick up the pieces, 


80 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

and talk and talk about the accident. I stood 
bewildered, and listened. And do you know, 
friend, all this stuff that broke and scattered and 
spattered was false. She had false hands, false 
fingers, false teeth, false hair, false head, false 
eyes and false everything.^^ 

Ean looked wild, and as if ready to run at the 
least noise. I said to myself : 

''He will yet prove himself to be somewhat of a 
liar, perhaps I will get from him what I want after 
all.^^ 

Ean said it took some time to gather up the 
numberless fragments, and all this time he was re- 
volving in his mind what to do. Finally he began 
talking with the girl, and she talked with him in 
a very calm, quiet way. No one seemed to think 
that he had been deceived, but he was. 

"After a long time,^^ said Ean, "I eased my way 
stealthily out of the house, and as I reached the 
street I met the milk man. He said : 

" 'Mr. Ean, I am sorry about that accident that 
happened to your girl. I saw that same thing 
happen once before/ 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself 81 

^^'Now is my chance/^ said Ean, get it all 
out of the milk man, 

^What does it all niean any way I asked him. 

^^^Have you never been to a wedding on the 
Amazon before 

^No/ said I. 

^You don^t know much about the people and 
things down here then, I will tell you/ he said. 
^Miss Lindy in her natural state, size and condi- 
tion is no larger and no prettier than that little 
old thing you see going along there/ pointing to 
some person that was passing. ^She is rich though, 
and all the rich ladies here after they are grown 
have to be made over, and the place where they 
are made over is in the back of that big drug 
store over yonder. A man is there who can take 
the ugliest little dried-up woman you ever saw and 
make a perfect beauty of her. He has some sort 
of plaster or mortar, and he takes the measure of 
the head first and makes one to suit the lady, then 
the feet, the eyes, the nose, the mouth, the teeth, 
the ears, in fact he makes a perfect being, and then 
the lady puts it on the same as she does a dress, 
and it fits so well, and the joints and eyes, and 


82 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

all fit SO perfectly, and come just to the right spot 
so neatly, one cannot tell bnt what it is natural in 
every way. But you should see some of these 
ladies when they take off this thing. They look 
worse than the devil just before day. You saw 
Miss Lindy when hers broke and spattered every- 
where, didnT you? You saw she looked worse 
than a cold batter cake with hers off. Well, that 
is about as they all look when they are in the dress 
that nature gave them.’ 

^^Friend, I believe the milk man told the truth, 
for after my girl broke to pieces, and all this stuff 
fell off she looked very much like the person you 
described me as being in the beginning of this 
written instrument.” 

^^Kan, are you going back there?” 

^^Back where?” said he. 

^^Back to the Amazon.” 

^^Do not say Amazon to me again. I know 
nothing of it.” 

^^Well,” said I, ^Vhen you were telling what the 
milk man told you, you said he informed you that 
all the rich girls on the Amazon have to be made 


over. 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 83 

^Triend/^ said Kan, never saw a man with 
such a memory as you have. I really believe that 
you can remember every ^if’ and ^and’ in a con- 
versation or revelation. I cannot see what would 
be the use or need of writing anything for you, 
because you would never forget it if once told. 
Yes, I have been on the Amazon, and this girl 
Lindy Beeswax lives there, and, as you said, the 
milk man did use the word Amazon, and said the 
rich ladies were all made over, and I tell you the 
rich men too, see?” 

With that Kan made a lunge and a struggle and 
his made over part fell and spattered and scattered 
all over the floor, and he became as natural as the 
description I first gave of him, and resembled the 
same old Ear 

^^Ean, how in the name of heaven could you 
subscribe to the oath I made you take about this 
Amazon business ?” 

^Triend, you know, in fact, it was no oath be- 
cause you have no authority to administer an oath, 
you are no ofiicer, hence I did not mind taking it. 
I desire to state, that you may understand 
it fully, all the rich people on the Amazon are 


B4 Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 

made over if they desire it. I made my fortune in 
the ammonia business, and that is where that 
bank deposit came from. I knew it all the time, 
but I had to sustain the name of this instrument.’’ 

^^You can now give me another Amazon tale.” 

^^No,” he said, am done. I have to make these 
things as I go, and it is quite a strain on my mind, 
and then again, I have deceived you or lied to you 
about my love affair and my girl, neither of which 
ever existed, and having deceived you so thoroughly 
in every way, and as I have now pulled off the 
mask, I will bid you adieu, with this promise that 
if ever I am lucky or unlucky enough as the case 
may be, to get married, you shall be there. Good- 
bye ; but before I go, answer me this : do you think 
I am somewhat of a liar, and do you think those 
who read this will?” 

" ^^Yes,” said I, ^^and I do not believe there is 

another Ean Sydenstricker this side of the grave, 
and if any have gone before you to the land or 
water from whence there is no return, I have 
never heard of it. Good-bye, Ean.” 

The door closed, and I was alone. I do not 
know what to say of this man, I cannot tell 


Somewhat of a Liar Myself. 85 


whether I am disappointed or not^ but there is one 
thing certain, his ammonia tale, his snake tale, 
his tree tale, are original. The winding up of 
his love tale is original, and after reading over his 
whole story from beginning to end, my conclusion 
is, that there never was, never can be, nor ever 
will be anything like it again. It shows two 
things beyond any doubt : the unlimited bounds of 
a good imaginative mind, and the evidence that 
this man Ean denstricker is somewhat of a liar. 


THE END. 


t 



Jan , o 1 ■' 




JAN. 


j 


» copy DEL, TO CAT r*.v. 
JAN. 6 1902 

10 1902 






